We are struggling with a dilemma here in my area. The Basic Text states that there should not be separate men’s or women’s meetings, yet looking at international websites, I see that these gender specific meetings exist almost everywhere. Are these types of meetings in conflict with the Steps and Traditions? #
Response #1: #
From a Twelve Step perspective, the primary purpose of any meeting is to carry the message to the sex and love addict who still suffers. The Traditions—particularly Tradition One (unity), Tradition Three (the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop living out a pattern of sex and love addiction), and Tradition Four (each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or S.L.A.A. as a whole)—offer helpful guidance here.
The Basic Text gives us important context. In its discussion of “special interest groups,” it explains that early S.L.A.A. experience did not support forming men’s, women’s, or other identity-based meetings—not because they were forbidden, but because they were seen as potentially limiting recovery.
The text points out that no meeting can truly be made “safe” by excluding certain groups, and that recovery asks us to take responsibility for our own condition rather than focus on external factors. It also emphasizes the therapeutic value of mixed meetings, where we learn to relate more honestly and humanly across differences, which strengthens sobriety in the real world.
At the same time, it acknowledges that S.L.A.A. cannot prevent such groups from forming. So, through the lens of the Traditions—especially autonomy and primary purpose—the question becomes less about whether they exist, and more about whether they are helping members recover without creating division or distraction.
Ultimately, the Basic Text seems to guide us back to this principle: the only real safety in any meeting is a shared desire to get well and reliance on a Power greater than ourselves.
The Basic Text’s suggestion about not having separate men’s or women’s meetings can be understood as an effort to preserve unity and inclusivity, ensuring that no addict feels excluded from recovery. At the same time, Tradition Four gives individual groups the autonomy to respond to the needs of their local fellowship.
In practice, many groups around the world have formed gender-specific meetings not to divide, but to better support recovery. For some members, these settings provide a greater sense of safety, identification, and honesty—especially when dealing with sensitive patterns or trauma. When these meetings remain open in spirit (i.e., grounded in the Traditions, not exclusionary in intent, and connected to the larger fellowship), they can still serve the primary purpose.
So, the question may not be simply whether these meetings exist, but whether they are operating in alignment with the Traditions:
- Do they support unity, or create division?
- Do they remain focused on recovery and the primary purpose?
- Are they guided by group conscience rather than personal preference?
If a gender-specific meeting begins to suggest that certain members do not belong in S.L.A.A. as a whole, that would raise concerns under Tradition Three. But if it is simply one format among many, created to help addicts recover, it can be seen as an expression of Tradition Four in action.
Ultimately, this is an issue best addressed through informed group conscience, with humility and a willingness to be guided by spiritual principles. The tension you’re noticing is not uncommon, and working through it together—respectfully and thoughtfully—is very much in the spirit of the program.
Response #2: #
Nothing in the 12 Steps of S.L.A.A. addresses meeting format. The Steps are about personal recovery. Step 12 states that we should try to carry the message of recovery to other sex and love addicts, but does not make any mention of a requirement to carry the message to ALL sex and love addicts, therefore, only carrying the message to addicts of one’s own gender does not seem to violate the idea in Step 12.
Tradition Four tells us that “each group should be autonomous, except in matters that affect S.L.A.A. as a whole.” Because members have many meetings to choose from, the decision of some meetings to autonomously decide to be gender-specific means that those who are not included in that gender can find many meetings that do meet their needs to attend. The hidden gift of COVID lockdown has been a proliferation of online meetings, which means that there are meetings of all kinds available to S.L.A.A. members all around the world, any hour of the day or night.
Tradition One states that “Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon S.L.A.A unity.” At first glance, this tradition may seem to indicate that gender-specific meetings undermine unity because they exclude some members. However, given that many members have had traumatic experiences that may be triggered by being around people of certain genders, having “safe spaces” limited to non-triggering people can ensure that those people feel able to avail themselves of recovery. We do not have unity if there are sex and love addicts who cannot recover because they feel unsafe in meetings.
As long as gender-specific meetings are not representative of the fellowship as a whole and as long as there are plenty of options for everyone to find a meeting, I do not see these types of meetings as a violation of the Steps or Traditions. We must remember that the Basic Text was written at a time when there were far fewer options for meetings available. Restricting meetings would have had a far greater potential for exclusion than it would in the present day. The huge variety of special interest, gender-based, and other themed meetings means that we have more opportunities for inclusion under the umbrella of S.L.A.A.
Response #3: #
The gender/orientation meetings may be in conflict with Tradition Five, it depends on the location of the meeting.
Each group has but one primary purpose-to carry its message to the sex and love addict who still suffers.
If you are in an area that has multiple meetings and the person excluded from a sex/orientation focused meeting has the ability to go to other meetings I do not feel the meeting violates the Fifth Tradition. Even in meetings that are exclusive I’ve seen them ask for volunteers to create a separate ad-hoc meeting if someone needing help shows up at their meeting (Any two or more persons gathered together for mutual aid in recovering from sex and love addiction may call themselves an S.L.A.A. group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation.).
In areas where there are multiple meetings, having meetings that are gender/orientation specific may help the addict who still suffers with Sex and Love addiction issues specific to their identity. Some people coming into our fellowship are coming out of abusive relationships and may not trust members of the opposite sex. They need meetings of the same sex to feel safe. Some people may have partners who are afraid that if their partner goes to a meeting with other sex addicts they may ‘hook up’ with another sex addict at the meeting.
That said, in areas where meetings are scarce, having meetings that are scarce I think the Fifth Tradition makes it more important for meetings to be open to Sex and Love Addicts of all stripes. I have met members who spent over an hour to get to a once-a-week meeting that was the only meeting in their area. Just from assuring the meeting continues, making it open to all Sex and Love addicts may be necessary.
In my opinion the gender/orientation meetings are helpful for new-comers to feel safe coming into the fellowship, however for people who have been attending meetings for a while and are starting to recover, it is important for them to attend meetings that reflect more of the society as a whole.
Response #4: #
We have spiritual principles behind each Step and each Tradition.
Speaking of Traditions alone,
A spiritual principles behind these 5 Traditions are:
Tradition’s One is Unity: Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon SLAA unity
Tradition’s Two is Trust: For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority- a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants they do not govern.
Tradition’s Three is Identity: The only requirement for SLAA membership is a desire to stop a pattern of sex and love addiction.
Tradition’s Four is Autonomy: Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or SLAA as a whole
Tradition’s Five is Purpose: Each group had but one primary purpose to carry its message to the compulsive sex and love addict, who still suffers.
As long as gender-specific meetings follow at least these five Traditions, they do not violate the principles and the program as a whole.
